The Two Simple Words That Are Greatly Improving My Marriage (And, No, They're Not 'I'm Sorry')

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Puerto Vallarta, Jal.- The smallest words can result in the biggest change in conversation direction with your partner. (Photo: Getty Images)

If you’re anything like me, just hearing the word “conflict” sends you running to the hills. I’m a people-pleaser to the highest degree, so dealing with folks who aren’t pleased with me causes me a lot of anxiety. Giving someone bad news, boldly stating my opinions when I know they differ from others’, and having hard conversations aren’t really strengths of mine. Usually I just fake it until I make it. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, one can only fake it so much.

John Gottman, Ph.D., a world-renowned marriage researcher, theorized three types of conflict styles that people tend to exhibit when in relationships with one another: avoidance, validating, and volatile. Avoiders, like me, resist conflict like the plague. People who are volatile are highly expressive with their emotions and have no problem discussing their differences in opinion with loved ones. Lastly, validators fall somewhere in between, expressing their emotions and opinions in steady and calm ways.

I first learned about these three conflict styles in graduate school during my couples’ therapy class. Slowly I began to understand why my husband and I struggle so much during conflict: I’m a conflict avoider, and my husband is volatile, which is a significant mismatch. Any time we disagree, I want to run and hide, while he wants to talk it out—sometimes loudly. I couldn’t help but wonder how in the world we’d actually work through this and learn how to productively resolve conflict.