What to do when you are hurting.
Letter:
Dear Miss Breakthrough,
I am 43 and wondering if I should just give up on love and focus on my career. I finally broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and it makes me feel like maybe it's not worth all the drama. Or maybe I'm just meant to be alone, you know, one of those people who are so complex that I will never find a partner who gets them.
The thought of dating again feels overwhelming; especially since we moved to PV to build a life together, I don't know the culture nor have many friends.
Please help.
Torn and hurting
Answer:
Dear Torn and Hurting,
I hear the pain you are going through and find your question quite normal. When you've been hurt your instinct will be to prevent it again, bringing an impulse of wanting to stay away from love to keep safe.
While your logic may be pointing to not trying again, this logic is rooted in pain, which unavoidably lacks perspective. Take it from me, at 34 I was in so much pain I went to the best therapist I couldn't afford to ask him to help me deal with the fact that I would forever be single.
The truth is that you are a human being with needs for love, support and companionship. You will continue to have a heart and cravings. Denying it won't make it any better.
The overwhelm you feel towards dating is not a prediction that it will be catastrophic; it's a cue that there is underlying trauma that needs to be healed.
What I recommend is that you take a break to process the breakup while you build a support system here. Do not stay isolated.
There are so many wonderful places, Facebook groups and events in the bay inviting you to join their community. Look for one that offers activities that you love or have been curious about and give them a chance. Share in the groups that you resonate with that you are interested in making new friends.
With time, compassion and patience towards yourself, you will be able to realize there are things you can do differently to create a more aligned relationship. Within all of us lies the power to change our love life and to create something better.
It has been true for me, my clients and everyone who got curious instead of quitting.
Until then, respect the stage you are in by focusing on being gentle with yourself. Your future self will be grateful for it.
Keep on going fiercely,
Miss Breakthrough
Transformational Coach Claudia Miravete has helped singles around the world go from "where is the love of my life?!?!?!" to happy and thriving in a romantic relationship. In the brand new column 'Dear Miss Breakthrough' she gives advice about knowing if you have found the right partner, how to get out of ‘situationships’, pointers for building long-lasting relationships and more!
And remember, if you have a question about your love life, you could ask your friends...or you could ask an expert. ;)
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