This is how to make friends as an adult: 5 secrets backed by science

In college you almost had to be trying not to make friends. But then you're an adult. You get busy with work. Your friends get busy with work. People get married. Have kids. And pretty soon being "close" means a text message twice a year.

You're not alone … Or, actually, the whole point of this is you really may be alone. But you're not alone in being alone. These days we're all alone together. In 1985 most people said they had three close friends. In 2004 the most common number was zero.

Friends are important. Nobody would dispute that. But I doubt you know how very important they are.

So let's see just how critical friends can be — and the scientifically backed ways to get more of them in your life.

Loneliness is a killer

When people are dying, what do they regret the most? Coming in at #4 is: "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

Maybe your grandparents lived to 100 and you take good care of yourself. You're healthy. But if you want those years to be full of smiles, you need to invest in friendship. Seventy percent of your happiness comes from relationships.

The Grant Study at Harvard has followed a group of men for their entire lives. The guy who led the study for a few decades, George Vaillant, was asked, "What have you learned from the Grant Study men?" Vaillant's response?

That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.

So friendships are really really really important. But maybe you're not worried. Maybe you have lots of friends. Guess what?

In seven years, half of your close friends won't be close to you anymore.

Ouch. Scared yet? I am.

So what do we do? (No, going back to college is not the answer.) How do we make new friends as adults?

1. The new starts with the old

The first step to making new friends is … don't. Instead, reconnect with old friends:

Doing this is easy, it's not scary, they're people you already have history with, and it doesn't take a lot of time or work to get to know them. Go to Facebook or LinkedIn for ideas and then send some texts. Boom. You already have more friends.

If you're going to be strategic, who should you prioritize? You probably met a disproportionate number of your friends through just a handful of people. Those are your "superconnectors."

Rekindle those relationships. And then ask them if there's anyone you should meet. Next time you get together, see if that new person can come along. Not. Hard. At. All.

But maybe this feels a little awkward. Maybe your friendship muscles have atrophied. Maybe you weren't great at making friends in the first place. So what really makes people "click"?

2. Listen, seek similarity, and celebrate

Clicking with people is a lot less about you and a lot more about focusing on them. Don't be interesting. Be interested. And what are the best ways to do that?

Studies show being likable can be as easy as listening to people and asking them to tell you more.

And mountains of research show similarity is critical. So when they mention something you have in common, point it out.

Finally, celebrate the positive. When someone talks about the good things in their life, be enthusiastic and encouraging.

Alright, your superconnectors are making introductions and you're clicking. But how do you get close to these new people? We've all met people we thought were cool … but just didn't know how to take it to the next level and go from acquaintance to friend. It's simple, but not necessarily easy.

3. Be vulnerable

Open up a bit. Don't go full TMI, but make yourself a little bit vulnerable. Nobody becomes besties by only discussing the weather.

Close friends are what leads to personal discussions. But personal discussions are also what leads to close friends.

Close friends have a good "if-then profile" of each other. Once you have an idea of "if" someone was in situation X, "then" they would display behavior Y, that means you're really starting to understand them. And this leads to good friendships:

How many close friends do you need? If we go by the science, you want to aim for at least five.

So you have new friends. Awesome. Now how do you not screw this up?

4. Don't be a stranger

First and foremost: make the time. What's the most common thing friends fight about? Time commitments.

You need to keep in touch. (Remember, not keeping in touch is how you got into this problem in the first place.)

If you want to stay close friends with someone, how often do you need to check in? Research says at least every two weeks.

So even if you need to set a reminder on your calendar, check in every two weeks. But, actually, there's a better way to make sure you don't forget.

5. Start a group

Denmark has the happiest people in the world. (I'm guessing Hamlet was an exception.) Why are Danes so happy? One reason is that 92 percent of them are members of some kind of social group.

And what's the best way to make sure you're in a group? Start one. That makes it a lot easier to stay in touch and a lot easier to manage those big five friendships with 20 percent of the effort.

A weekly lunch. A monthly sewing circle. A quarterly movie night. Whatever works. Friends bring friends and suddenly it's not so hard to meet cool new people. And who does everyone have to thank for this? You.

And make the effort to keep that group solid for everyone. Many studies show older people are happier. What's one of the reasons? They prune the jerks out of their social circles:

Alright, popular kid, we've learned a lot. Let's round it up and find out how to keep your new friendships alive over the long haul.

Sum up

Here’s how to make friends as an adult:

1.-The new starts with the old: Touch base with old friends and leverage your superconnectors.
2.-Listen, seek similarity, and celebrate: Don't be interesting. Be interested.
3.-Be vulnerable: Open up a bit. Form an "if-then" profile.
4.-Don't be a stranger: Check in every two weeks, minimum.
5.-Start a group: Things that are habits get done. So start a group habit.

Okay, you're done reading. Time to start doing. Reach out to a friend right now. Send them this post and let 'em know you want to get together.

Listen to what they've been up to. Celebrate their good news. Offer to help them out with something.

After all, that's what friends are for.

Source: The Week